Are You There God?

It's Me, M.

Uh, hey. Long time, no speak. We haven't really had a good heart to heart in a long time. Not since Thanksgiving '14 with that food poisoning incident.. Bad memories..

But yeah, I'm not really so good at the praying thing. Talking out loud makes people stare, I forget my train of thought when I try it in my head, and let's be real, the hands thing? It's a little outdated, don't you think? I'm not good at the praying thing, but I'm pretty okay at blogging and writing.

That's besides the point. What I'm here for today is some encouragement and a little bit of support. It's been really messy the past few weeks, and the past twenty four hours have just been, in short, hell on Earth.

Now I know I'm not the perfect person according to the bible's definition, but I'm a decent human. I volunteer, donate when I can, generally a kind person. I have room for improvement, but doesn't everyone? Anyways, I haven't killed anyone so that has to mean something.

I was never sure if you were real or not, but I've always said, if you are real, I'm a decent person, so I'd be pretty okay to you.

Like I said, I live a decent life. I've had highs and lows. Lately, I feel like it's been a lot more lows than highs. With financial stress, needing housing, family health issues, personal health issues, and everything this past weekend, I won't lie, it kind of feels like the world is against me.

Now don't get me wrong, plenty of people have it way worse than me. I'm not saying my life should be perfect, everyone needs ups and downs. Even if the downs are really crappy.

I see life lessons in all of these though. I am learning, if that's what this is. I'm learning humility and morality with the health issues. Life is short, enjoy it while you can. You need to love the people you're with while your with them. It's a lesson that I've been lucky that I haven't had to really learn until now.

With the financial stresses, I'm learning to live within my means and not be so greedy. That's a pretty big flaw of mine, greed and jealousy. It colors my opinions of many, many people. I don't know if you can tell, but I am trying now I really am. It's slow and hard for me to learn, because sometimes I just slip back into the habit of it. To prove I'm trying, I'm doing that 8 day detox. Yoga, clean eating, that part is for me really. But the detox portion is to cleanse yourself of a behavior. For eight days, I'm going to write down every time that I am jealous and greedy. I want to watch what I do and try to reduce, if not eliminate these kinds of thoughts from my mind. I don't know if eliminating it entirely is possible, but I am trying.

As for needing housing, that one, that one was a hit to my pride. The past year, I've learned that hubris is most certainly my fatal flaw. I'm too proud. It's not just pride, but it's stupidly large amounts of pride. It makes me feel like I'm better than other people, that I don't ever need help. It's bad. Really bad. I rejected a housing proposition because I thought I was better than those people. Actually I did it twice! I should know better. I really should. Now that I'm essentially homeless for next fall, I'm being very sternly reminded that I should never be too proud.

As for this weekend, I'm keeping this intentionally vague, but if you are real and reading this, I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about here. This week, with the boy, has been absolutely amazing. I've not been this happy in a long time. It was only a week, but it was.. It was wonderful. On Sunday, that happiness came to an abrupt halt, where real life interrupted our little week-long daydream. I feel like this is a test to me. I made some claims a while ago. I said I could handle it. I said it would be easy for someone like me. It was a bit of pride again. I lied. It is hard. This is one of if not the hardest thing I've done in my life. I was stupid to say it was easy. When I said that, it was an easy situation. This is unbelievably difficult. It is most certainly testing.

This weekend also is reminding me of my conceit. Another awful flaw. I forget sometimes, quite often actually, that the world doesn't revolve around me. The globe is bigger than I am. There is seven billion people in the world. Every single one of them is important. I am one of those important ones, but I'm not the only one. So I've talked about myself this while time. I want to talk about other people too, and the real reasons why I'm writing this.

Mic will be very glad I wrote this, I think. She does this stuff much more than I do. I texted her last weekend and asked her to pray for someone else on this list. Without hesitation she said she would. And she said she prays for me too. Which, in the moment, was a lot to hear. In a good way. I asked her because other than that, there isn't much I can do for that person. So because of her, this post is happening.
My family doesn't really do the religion thing either. More of agnostic types. I really should put in a good word for them too. It's a tough time, financially, medically, etc. Struggles are a part of life. I know that. But I want them to get through this. Especially my sister. Her more than anyone. She has a lot to look forward to in life. And I want her to be able to do it.

My best friend, A, isn't really too religious either I don't think. And she's really doing great right now. I'm not sure if you can pray for a continued resolution type thing, but if that is possible, that'd be good to add. She's changed so much in the four years that I've known her, from a really tough down time to the current up. I know there will be lows again, there always has to be, but I really want her up to last a little bit longer. She seems pretty happy with everything now, and I do really want that to stay for her.

There's a lot of people I should mention. But there's one I really want to write to you about. The past week, I learned a lot about you-know-who. And he's been through a lot in his life. And he's made it through it all. I didn't know him then, but I am so proud of him for overcoming it all and making it to this point. He's a hard worker, dedicated to his job and lifestyle. He's got to be the bravest person I know. For the next few weeks, he's risking his life for a bigger cause. I can't say what or where or how. But you'll know. At first I was going to as you to keep him safe, but I wanted it for me. It was so greedy to want him back for myself. And then I thought, and really if he doesn't come back to me specifically, that's okay. Just get him back. Get him through this last year. Let him achieve his dreams. He wants to be a cop soon. He wants nothing, but to save lives. He is a good man. So yes keep him safe and bring him back to me, because I think we could be a we for a long, long time. But I'm not asking for me, you know what I mean? I'm asking for the family he'll save by stopping a drunk driver. For the kids who won't do drugs when he arrests a dealer. He'll be the first kind face that the girl who was raped will see, he'll be the first one to take down an armed robber, he'll be the one to put his life on the line to help anyone. One day it might be the reason he goes. But it's not fair for him to go now, before he's done any of that. Not that it isn't fair for me, but it's not fair for that family, those kids, that girl, that victim, any of them. He's got a lot of life left. So please bring him back, just for them.

I always joked that if you did something for me, I would go to church. Now, I'm not waiting to see. I'm going to just go. I'm going to listen, to read, to think, and pray a little bit. I don't know if I'll go this weekend, just because I don't know where to go. I'll go when I'm home. Just for the service. I really don't want to do the singing and the volunteering and the whole nine yards. I'm not it in for all that. I don't know if that makes me a bad religious person, but it's still better than what I've been doing I guess. I'm there for the introspection, thought, and I guess proving dedication to these people, to fixing these flaws, and to learning these lessons.

I've always said religion was a security blanket. And I stand by that. This is me reaching out to for security blanket. I need something else for encouragement and support. I feel weird ending this with an amen, so I guess, talk to you later?

Writing (praying?) from you to M, Personally

PS. This one is more on the conceited side, and isn't a total request, but if things work out with A and her boy and me and the one I talked about here, we'd end up with the same last name. I know, it's been a week, and nothing is definite, but if I could have one thing on here just for me, I would highly suggest it be this bit. Not definitely, but just tossing it out there. Things could change, but I am not opposed to this thing happening one day in the future.


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