A Letter to My Exes

I was going to do a series, but it just didn't feel like there was enough here to have a letter to each one be a post on its own. There's one for each boy, who at one time or another, was a part of my life. I'm sure I'll be called dramatic when I say I left a piece of myself with them, but I like to think I did. As they did with me as well. A relationship is a bond, a sharing of experiences and emotions. You learn from every relationship you have, romantic or otherwise. I hope I left a piece of myself with them, and I hope it's overall, good.
I'll be writing these letters in reverse order, most recent first, and skipping anything that wasn't officially decided to be a relationship. That leaves me with five. Here goes nothing..

Number Five, from the start you were a mistake. Not your fault though. I needed a friend, and I put myself in a relationship. I wasn't ready for it, but I built one anyways. It was like trying to build a castle, without having a good foundation. Doomed to fall, and when it did, boy was it bad. It was my fault, most of the mess. I apologized as best I could. There wasn't more words I could say. In the end though, what you did, hurting in return for being hurt? I will forgive you, probably, one day. But I won't ever forget. We had good times. And I will look back on them with a smile. And I hope you do too. I hope you remember that I said you were a good guy. Because you are. You made a mistake, but people do that. You've got a world and a future ahead of you. Take that risk and try it all out. But don't let the awful get at you. You're better than it all. You've got a big heart, don't let the world turn it all to stone.

Number Four, Christ, what an end we had. Brutal, really. Our differences were hard. The must haves, neither one of us fit the other's. I am sorry I couldn't. But I wasn't willing to sacrifice what I had, who I am. I couldn't do that. If you're right, and the Big Man is real, you were a test for me. I learned a lot with you, especially in the end. I always feared I would cave and be what a man wanted me to be, that I would just have to live my life pretending someone who I'm not. I'm very happy that I was able to learn that I wouldn't be a farce, I am sad we had to separate the way we did for me to learn it. I'll be honest, I do harbor a few negative feelings towards you, but overall, we had a good run. Short, but good. I do hope you find the girl you're looking for and are happy in the end.

Number Three, I almost didn't include you in the list. We dated for a very short time, but I learned a surprising amount with you. I learned what a relationship ought to be, after a period of time I still think of as the dark times. You brought friendship into my definition of a relationship, something that I had forgotten up until that point. I also learned what it's like to be ghosted, so I'm still pretty damn peeved about that, thanks no thanks. Like I said, we were together for a minute, so there isn't much I can say. I just hope that if you ever, in some wild chance, read this, you'll know that you did have a good impact on me, and I learned a surprising amount from you, even in such a short time.

Number Two, you were my first for a lot of things. I'm sorry to say that I learned the most from our break up, but I did. One of my firsts that you were, was my first ugly heartbreak. I learned so, so much from that. I definitely was way more into the relationship than you were, not that it was your fault. When it ended, it ended ugly and it hurt. And for a good while too. The biggest lesson I learned from our break up though, wallowing won't help. You just have to get up, and force yourself to function. Don't mope, don't quit life, don't give up. Just have to get out of bed, shower, put on your favorite outfit, and get about life. You can eat Ben and Jerry's for all three meals that day, but the world doesn't stop, even when your world does. I learned to recover and to be brave from you. Even though I do hate you a teeny bit for breaking me like you did, I promise, I'm not still angry or upset over it. It's in the past, I've learned, and I've grown. I do hope you're doing okay now, and without too much detail, I hope your work hasn't gotten to you.

Number One. What can I say about you. As I write this, I'm in a bit of a strange place. We dated for a few months, spent two years confessing feelings, became friends again, and recently addressed what the deal is between us. And then I broke it all. Due to careless mistakes, I broke the trust we had. Two years together as friends, you were my best friend, and something I never took two seconds to think about knocked all of that to the ground. I learned heartbreak and friendship and strength and humility from the others, but with you, I learned what the songs mean. Yes it sounds a bit dramatic, but I'm a bit dramatic. And it all feels true. After the dust settled and we entered into our current situation, I had to sort out what I felt, because there was a lot. Among it all, there was a strange empty feeling. Like a gap. You had been such a constant in my life through so much, it's strange not to have that reliable constant around. What it felt like, and honestly still does, is like someone took a cookie cutter and pushed it through my chest and my lung. I can get by without it. But I would be better with it, I would be more successful, and happier, and more complete with it. Maybe that sounds weird, but it's  the only way I can really put it into words.

SO there you have it folks. Five short letters, to my five exes. It's all 100% honest, no nonsense, straightforward. It took a bit of soul bearing, but I think I've done well at covering it all without revealing anything much. It was a bit longer than I wanted, but stretching each one to a full post? It just wouldn't really work, you know? I'm off now to attempt to have a productive Sunday. Have a lovely one and until next time,

Coming to you from M, Personally