I know it's an odd title. but stick with me! Sometimes life throws a wrench in your plans. And in 100% honesty, it effing sucks. When that happens, you have to adjust as best as you can. Unfortunately the wrench hit me kind of like this:

Usually I do my best to adjust to the situations at hand, but this week hit me like, well, a wrench to the face. The adjusting took a little while.

School was a lot different than I expected. Going from a pretty highly ranked 4 year university to a community college, I think I really underestimated my classes. They're all pretty intense. Which I should have been prepared for since, you know, I picked them. It's not so much that I'll be overwhelmed, just as long as I focus, avoid procrastinating, and manage my time as best as I can. I don't expect to be perfect, because it's just not realistic. But I'm going to try my hardest to be my best. I have some lofty goals this semester, and I'd really like to achieve them and look back at everything with more pride than regrets. After my first week, I knew that school was going to take up more of my time than I thought it would, but not an inordinate amount. Not something I couldn't still work around.

Speaking of work, and that smooth as hell transition, work is also a lot more than I was prepared for. It's not a big glamorous job. I mean I work at ShopRite. But I do work 20-25 hours each week. That's a lot of time I can't mix with other things or multitask during. When I'm at work, my job requires me to be focused. To make it sound a bit fancier, I'm a supervisor. I watch over up to 30 employees at once. Usually not by myself, but it's a lot of people to be responsible for. That requires my attention and it seriously exhausts me. I get home at the end of the day, and I am legitimately tired. Which is great, but it does limit my schedule more. I'm not going to half ass any of my projects, academic, professional or blog wise. Its not fair to my professors, my peers, my co-workers or you my dear reader! 

Aside from those two, I had another big wrench in my plans. As you might have read in LINK last week's post, I wanted to start a YouTube channel. It's been my dream for ten years and I was ready to make it happen. Unfortunately, the camera I was borrowing became quite unavailable to me. Big uh-oh. It's a little hard to make videos without, you know, a camera. I tried the ones I had at home, but the quality just wasn't up to par.

I've always been honest with you all, and I'm not changing that now. Last Friday night I was having a meltdown over it all. Losing the camera really did mess with me more than anything else.. I was so set on following my dream, and right when I was finally able to achieve it, everything fell through. I was so close, but then so, so far again.

On Sunday, I got a present in the mail. I had ordered a microphone for my videos before I lost the camera. And an idea began to form and then it hit me like, well a wrench from the sky, just slightly less painful.

With one of the best microphones for the price and a computer, I have the two basic things I need to start a podcast. And so, I decided, I will! It's a good introduction to video making, just getting used to talking, scripting, editing, and hearing my own voice on record (cringe). I have a long list of what were video ideas, but I can still use them for podcasts, now I can do everything in my PJs! Which is, like, 148% better, let's be honest.

So that's all for now! A specific post about the podcast will come soon, explaining the whole bit and with the first episode! Time to practice my pronunciation now..

Until next time, coming to you from M, Personally 

A Regular Post Life Lessons Podcast YouTube

6:00 AM

It's been a while hasn't it! After making a lot of big decisions, I decided that I ought to take some time off from everything go focus for a bit and give myself a reset after everything that happened. If you weren't around then, let me fill you in on everything that's happened..

In June, I decided to transfer colleges. I had been thinking about leaving American for over a year, but I wasn't mentally ready to make the move until after my sophomore year. Being so late I didn't have many options as to where to go. After some thought, I decided that the local community college was the best option for me while I was in limbo between "regular" colleges. So I pulled the plug on American, unpacked all my boxes at home, and had a little meltdown.

Transferring was hard for me. More so mentally than anything else. It was hard for me to say that AU wasn't the best fit for me. My own pride made it very difficult for me to go from an academically great school, to a community college. I was so excited to leave my town and what was a semi toxic friend environment, that it was a huge hit to have to come back home and go to OCC for the year. Back in June, I thought I was coming back like a wounded dog, head down and proverbial tail between my legs. But after two or so months of thinking about the situation, I've really started to come to terms with it.

I had taken the summer off to keep everything lighter, focus on myself, my jobs, and my goals. And it was great. I went full force into planning everything. Usually, I get a little overboard with that, but this time it actually worked to my benefit. Like I mentioned in my Quarter Life Crisis post, I started to realize I wasn't happy with my life. Fed up with it, I decided that I was going to change it all. Over the past two and some months, I've changed my major, my goals, and my entire mentality. And my room, which I am loving, by the way. Now instead of working towards a good job and a good life that'll provide me with a decent future, I'm throwing, like, 90% of caution to the wind and diving head first into my true goals.

Back in 2006, I was ten years old. That was when YouTube began. Not only the spur to a cultural revolution, I was enamored with it. Over the years, I watched a lot of Phil Defranco, a lot of What The Buck, and a lot of iJustine. I thought YouTubers were the coolest people. They worked for themselves, they were brave enough to post on the internet, and they had fun jobs. It was the first time I had seen someone who really enjoyed their jobs and I wanted to do it. At ten I said I wanna do that, but I'm too young, too shy, too poor, and most of all, I was too chicken, just like everyone else said. I know, I was a really positive child. But I held that mentality up until this past June when I looked at my life, kind of hated it, essentially said 'Eff This' and moved on to do what I wanted. It's my life. Why was I letting myself take a nap in the passenger seat?? I jumped up, took the wheel, and decided to drive my life where I wanted it to go. Metaphorically, of course. If we're being honest, this whole epiphany thing happened at like 2 AM over a tub of ice cream while crying. We all have lows, okay?

So that's where I am now. I'm starting a YouTube channel. I'm effing terrified, but I think it's going to go well. I have a lot to learn and plenty of mistakes will be made, but it's gonna be fun, right? I'll have all, like, three of you dear readers to support me along the way, so I'll give you the skinny on the whole deal now.

My blog is going to stay like it is, a generally unfocused lifestyle blog. I've always posted what I felt I wanted to say, and that won't really change much. I'm going to try to stilt it a little more towards the college lifestyle niche, but again, I post what I like to write.

My channel though, will be focused on college and my college journey. As a transfer, I have a unique opportunity to share my journey with you all. There isn't a lot of information online about transferring, at least that I could find, and I felt like I could help fill that gap. I felt like videos would be more natural, more personal, as opposed to just words on a page. I want to be able to share my experience with others, and I want to create a space where others can share theirs too.

The one big change will be a bit of rebranding. With the new revival of the blog and new dedication to the potential future of all of this, I feel like it's time for me to take everything to the next level. In the coming weeks I will be buying my URL and instituting a new theme with a new logo. I was hoping to have everything done for the relaunch, but it just wasn't feasible for me. So hang tight, thing's might be a little funky for a while!

So, all of that being said and done, here I am, at the edge of the diving board into a pool. And for the first time in my life, I have the courage to jump in head first. Not just with the blog or the channel, but with life in general.

The first video **should** go live this Friday so be sure to follow and like all of my social media below, and don't forget to subscribe! Until next time,

Writing to you from M, Personally

A Regular Post College Life Life Lessons Real Talk YouTube

9:39 AM

Today I am making a commitment to being happy. 

Starting with these beautiful flowers I picked up at the local Farmers Market, I am going to have a great day today. First I'm going smile about the ingenuity of my makeshift vase, yes it is indeed my Contigo water bottle.

I am determined to stay positive today because the past 36 hours have just been, honestly, awful. I really just mentally need the next 24 hours to be good-ish. I'm not asking for great, I'm not asking for amazing. I'll be happy with slightly above average at this point. 

I've got another slightly less hectic weekend ahead of me, hopefully filled with focused work, healthy food shopping, and if everything goes well, a rewarding trip to Target.

I really ought to get to sleep soon I guess.

As I sit here burrito-ed in blankets typing ceaselessly into the dark, I'm finishing up for now. I'll post again tomorrow evening to update you all on how my day went. Hopefully queuing up a few more posts for this week to make up for being MIA in my week of hell!

Writing to you from M, Personally

A Regular Post

9:05 PM

So word on the street is that this blog will help me "manage my anxiety" and "channel my stress into a more productive outlet." Or at least that's what I've been told. Essentially I'm the teenage girl version of John Watson in Sherlock. Except, you know, not the war thing..

I'm just your average college girl who secretly loves the color pink and has above average anxiety and stress levels.

I started this blog because it was "extremely recommended." No it wasn't technically mandatory, but if you had heard the tone that the extreme recommendation had come with, you'd be here writing this instead of me.

I mean I can't complain too much. I had a choice, a blog, a journal, or "talking" sessions. A blog just seemed like the least painful option. I really hate doing that "talking" thing. If one person asks me how something makes me "really feel" I'm going to just die right there.

Well before I rant to you about all my problems in the world, I guess I ought to introduce myself.

I'm M and I'm anonymous.

(hi M)

Sorry. AA Joke. Sick sense of humor, I know, I've been told.

But really, I'm M and this is my little anonymous corner of the internet. Why anonymous? Because there are some pretty weird people out there and I'd rather be known as a letter than be turned into a skin suit.

All laughs aside, I really should get to introducing myself. I'm currently a freshman at American University. I will hopefully be returning in the fall as a sophomore at American University, but after my pretty big screw up this year, who even knows.

I digress. Back to talking about me.

I've always been the baby of my grade, and I still am. I'll be 19 this July, summer birthday kids unite. I've always hated my birthday though. Again, a digression, I'll come back to that another time.

I am afraid of, like, way too many things. Skin suits actually being one of the things. I'm also afraid of large groups of ants, failure, being embarrassed, being hated/unaccepted/disliked, disappointment, small talk, missing out on something important, the dark, clowns, jump scares, bodies of water deeper than my chest, and a lot (a lot) of other things. Ooh, and roller coasters, not really a fan of upside-down.

My childhood nickname was Chicken Lady. And I absolutely hated it.

I write the exact way I speak, biting sarcasm, snarky comments, and all.

I LOVE oxford commas.

I love classic movies. Yes that means I worship Breakfast at Tiffany's. No I don't care about anything you have to say on that.

I love reading more than life itself. There is nothing better than I good book. I read pretty much every genre and I'll read (almost) anything once. I have never read 50 Shades of Grey, nor will I every consider it actual literature. Not until someone takes (1) a dictionary, (2) a thesaurus, and (3) a match to the damn thing. My summer beach reads will include: Fault in Our Stars, Anna Karenina, Pride and Prejudice, and if there's time, a bit of Kurt Vonnegut here and there. I'll definitely have plenty of posts on my reading. That's something I can rant about for ages.

I love to organize, but I live in a constant state of semi-organized chaos. I'm a paradox, what can I say.

I own a label maker, and yes, I did use the label maker to make a label for the label maker. I labeled it 'Label Maker'.

I am a Republican. I am a Feminist. Believe it or not, the two are not mutually exclusive, though many seem to think so.

My life goal is somewhere between Blair Waldorf, Holly Golightly, and Kate Middleton.

I found the cover photo for this post on Google Images, so it's definitely not me.

My favorite smells are old books, new ink written on paper, right before it snows, and the smell after rain.

I prefer the Oxford English Dictionary to Merriam-Webster. But I do use the Random House Unabridged Dictionary more. If you know what that is, please pat yourself on the back.

I live in what I call the Poor Prep lifestyle. What does that mean? It means I have Kate Spade taste on a Target budget. Yeah. It sucks just as much as it sounds.

I do suffer slightly from depression and anxiety. I suffer from BRFBs, specificall Excoriation Disorder, which wrecks havoc on an anxiety sufferer. But I really don't let that stuff define me. Just because I have issues doesn't mean they run my life.

Until recently, I've had trouble accepting my mistakes and never learned from many of my more recent ones. After having most of those coming back to bite me in the butt, and changing a lot of things in my life, I'm determined to learn from, fix, accept, and move forward from those mistakes.

I'm trying to stop cursing as much (read: I have to stop dropping the f-word in polite company), but I'll close up my first post with this this bit of honesty:
I fucked up. And pretty badly too.

But that's okay. Because it happens to everyone eventually. And a lot of times the average person really can't fix their mistakes and come back stronger.

And that leads me to my final fact for this post:

I'm not the average person. I'm not even a somebody. I'm the best. I'm M.

Writing to you from M, Personally

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes."               -Oscar Wilde

A Regular Post

6:54 PM