I know this is two Real Talk posts in quick succession, but these kind of discussions just pop up when they want to, so I'm at the mercy of that. Don't worry, this one is gonna be much shorter than my Quarter Life Crisis post!
For the past few months, I've been pretty alone when it comes to the boyperson front. There's been a few dates now and again, but nothing too promising. That's really not a bad thing though. In the past few months I've also had to make some pretty big decisions in my life. Especially after my little crisis, I spent a lot of time focusing on myself. Which was really good for me. The other day, I was painting my shelves (as part of my Room Redo project), and with painting, comes thinking. Sometimes good, sometimes not so much. On this particular day, my mind started asking some questions, particularly two pretty heavy ones:
- Am I ready for another relationship?
- Do I need another relationship?
Taking this question by question, Am I ready for another relationship? To answer this, I looked to my mistakes in my past.
One of my biggest problems was that I was extremely dependent on the other person for way too much. When I was in or attempting to be in these relationships, I was not in a good place, mentally. I relied heavily on the person for my happiness. I don't mean that they made me happy, I mean if they weren't texting or snapping me that day, I was in a bad mood. They were the sole source of it for me. Which, in case you didn't know, is bad. Honestly, I was kind of creepy. Once I finally realized what I was doing and got yo the root of the problem, I've really fixed my behavior to be more, well, normal. I'm not always in the most perfect mental state, but I've learned to concentrate my happiness on myself and my actions more than anything else.
Another problem I had was that I have this constant feeling that I'm running out of time to do everything. I feel like I should already have my degree, and a well paying career, and be married, and be a football playing king in space by now. And I'm not even twenty years old. I know I have time, but sometimes my brain goes on the fritz and freaks out. Fixing this is kind of just impossible, I really just have to constantly remind myself to stop, breathe, and live in the moment. I'm starting to get to a more relaxed point now.
Those two are the big issues, anything else is just small potatoes. I've really grown from my mistakes and I've learned to be more, normal? If that's the right word? So am I ready to be in another relationship? I think so.
That leaves me with the harder question, Do I need another relationship?
On it's face, yeah it would be nice to have someone to share experiences with and spend time with, who doesn't like that? Thinking deeper, do I want to share so much of my energy and focus with someone else? It sounds so selfish, I know, but I've been on such a good streak lately. I've worked very very hard focusing all of energy on myself to out myself in a much better place than I was a year ago. It's not that I don't want to share all of my focus and energy, I'm afraid of risking everything I've worked to improve myself. I'm happy with who I have become. I love myself. Do I need another relationship? No. I don't.
That may leave a certain few of you wondering, okay, so what now?
As I wrote the first draft of this post, I planned to say that I wanted a relationship. Then I though need fit it better. Then I realized that I didn't want one in the capacity that need was synonymous with it. I hit the point in my writing where it hit me, I didn't need anyone to make myself happy. I am happy on my own. I am finally the happy independent, proud, funny girl who love herself for who she is. I don't need anyone to "complete me," hell, I complete me. And with that, I realized that I am ready to find someone who is my equal to spend time with and experience life with. Why? Because I realized that in a relationship not only do I give half, but I get half too. Both people put in to balance each other out.
So that's my little bit on relationships, and that's where I am now. Let me know what you think in the comments below, but until next time,
Writing to you from M, Personally
Check out more of my posts about Relationships here!
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